September 2025 Integration Notes
Reccurring archetypes, subjects, and dream content I don’t want forget:
Indiana Jones archetype (persistent dream character since 2022)
Hera Goddess (3 appearances)
1) Hera is my server and brings me more and more plates and does not clear my table. — April 20, 2025
2) As I was falling asleep, Hera pops in and says “Don’t forget me.” — July 3, 2025
3) Hera is a giant cloud figure welcoming me as I ascend into a God Heaven, and I call her my mother, and then I become her. — September 12, 2025
Nefertiti (2 appearances)
1) I’m in Nefertiti’s tomb, which has yet to be discovered, and I am remembering my own tomb and final resting place. — April 1, 2022
2) I am walking into a temple wearing Nefertiti’s blue crown — September 14, 2025
12 Soul Aspects (persistent dream content since 2021)
Maid Marian and Knights of Templar (currently dreaming about this)
Karmic vs Quantum Bleed-Through
[These concepts came through in a dream on September 2, 2025. I was processing and emotionally resonating with a friend’s dilemma and storyline that I did not recognize. In the dream, my spirit guides spoke to me and said, “This is Karmic Bleed-Through.”]
Karmic bleed-through manifests as emotional patterns, ancestral memories, or collective trauma that feels personally charged and seeks healing through you in dreams and real life. If it's karmic, it'll resurface as intense emotional reactions, recurring relationship patterns, or ancestral trauma—and it usually feels like there's a debt to balance. Your consciousness is accessing the morphic fields that contain unresolved collective patterns from lineages, cultures, or species-wide experiences. The purpose of these karmic bleed-throughs is to transmute collective trauma patterns to free both yourself, your lineages and your web networks connected to those karmic imprints. It's not yours to carry, but it is yours to understand and have compassion for. This kind of witnessing has enough power to heal.
Quantum bleed-through is different. It presents as multidimensional information, alternate timeline experiences, or parallel reality awareness that feels neutral and expansive rather than emotionally charged. You might sense multiple potential futures simultaneously, access knowledge from parallel versions of yourself, or experience consciousness existing in several dimensional states at once. You can recognize this state when synchronicities begin to ramp up, and the veil between your dreaming and waking life feels blurred. The purpose of quantum bleed-through is consciousness expansion rather than healing. You integrate multidimensional awareness to navigate reality as a co-creator rather than a servant to causality or linear time.
Working with each requires different approaches:
For karmic bleed-through, engage in conscious witnessing without taking on the identity of "healer of all collective trauma," remain unhooked from the storyline when addressing ancestral patterns, and focus on transmuting emotional charges through compassionate and higher perspectives. Practice divine discernment through neutral observation to recognize when emotions, thoughts, or patterns arise from collective fields rather than your personal karma, and remember that karma can be instantly transmuted—it is not a lifelong punishment or cross to carry.
For quantum bleed-through, focus on grounding into this one reality and anchoring your presence in the NOW moment while being receptive to multidimensional information, practice holding paradox and uncertainty as natural states, and trust your consciousness to integrate quantum information without forcing linear understanding. Both types of bleed-throughs ultimately serve the same evolutionary purpose—transitioning from individual-focused awareness to unified quantum-collective consciousness where you function as both individual sovereign and integral part of the universal field.
Different types of altered states accessible while sleeping
Channeling — various higher realm collectives will communicate during hypnagogic, hypnapompic and sleep states.
Dialogue (different from channeling, because it can happen to soul to soul, but also occurs when I travel to the angelic realm)
Time Depot Hub — Related to to timeline jumping/timeline keeping/timeline management
Astral shit cleanup duty / Soul Trash Janitor — a lot of shadow work and soul development happens here
Office of the Goddess — Goddess lovemaking in dreams are energy infusions
Shapeshifting — Related to the Animal Kingdom and for the purpose of traversing through different dimensional realms.
Mother Earth specific-channeling and Mother Earth healings (She says to me in a dream this is process is called: cell turnover)
Rainbow Arc of Dream Realms — an interrealm between dreams or a starting point to navigate dreamtime (and a different interrealm than the Time Depot Hub)
Regular basic dreaming where I exercise my spirit (spirit-strengthening) and clear out my emotional body (toilet dreams and shower dreams, usually).
Mechanical waters on fire and the natural vision
In last night’s dream, a young girl was spilling lighter fluid in the water to set fire to the seas. We tried to snuff it out with a tower of machinery—old car parts, boat fragments and helicopter chunks.
Today in waking life, on the road back from LA, I see only the natural elements of the earth—water, fruits, trees and skies.
What happens to my perception of reality when I ignore the rest?
Memory Log - August 2024
Phrases, mantras, and concepts that I don’t want to forget. Seeds to plant and keep watering:
I see the golden 8s showering us from the cosmos: I see the agreement to come down to earth to be horizontal linear creatures like the animals. This is how we become family with the earth, the jewel of our galaxy. — Channeled vision, August 8, 2024 (Lion’s Gate)
We come down on giant waves of water toward the earth. There are epochs of this and periods of no descending. — Clairaudient dream, July 29, 2024
“Disenjar” Cristy, they said. Disenjar is a hybrid word meaning to remove from a confined state and release. Cristy, being my inner child aspect. — Dream, July 10, 2024
“Caption the moment”: What’s it like to wake up and only think about yourself? This is said in a positive way, as separatism is part of the game. But we’re enmeshed in the collective field. I see it as captions or indexes of moments. Describe what the secret desire of Claudia is at this moment. Like in stage plays—everyone with their own beat and energy arrow headed in a specific way. What is everyone’s true desire here? You should be aware of it every moment, and caption it. — Dream, July 28, 2024. (Two nights later, my angelic guides presented this in another way to understand better)
“Unhook from the storyline.” An old dream message that keeps resurfacing.
“Clear Paths, Open Roads” / "Living heaven on earth" — Mantras spoken in a Medicine Journey, July 6, 2024
"Nothing to prove, all to express" — Akashic Records, August 17, 2024
“From Prisoner to Potential.” — The Changing Fish jumping out of the cup of water. Voice Dialogue / Dreamwork Session, August 19, 2024.
Above Earth memory
Clairaudient dream vision:
“We come down on giant waves of water toward the earth. There are epochs of this and periods of no descending.”
Dream Fragments, 01-22-2024
I’m waiting to be arrested when the cop whispers to me, “You know you’re a fast runner right?” I realize I can just leave, so I do.
Shaq Attack: Shaq sneaks into my bedroom at night and tries to violate me, but I take him down despite my smaller size.
I’m in a dream realm where everyone ages many years while I’m in conversation with them.
Tall Printers: Can print really tall pages — not long pages, but tall ones. A few nights later I see a tall book in a separate dream and remember my tall printer.
Journey notes, 12-04-2023
AI-summarized notes from a conversation with my friend Sarah about my recent psychedelic journey.
On Higher Consciousness and Spirit Guides
During my psychedelic journey on December 1, I spent a lot of time negotiating how much information higher realms should provide
Realized higher self is always connected to higher realms, but now 3D self is also connecting more with guidance and information
Everything happens on etheric/astral level first before manifesting physically
I have multiple higher selves we can connect with, not just one
Many worlds/realms exist, each with own timelines - we are creating realities and serving as "patronesses" of specific energies
On Goddesses and Archetypes
Felt presence of and connection to Divine Feminine creator, realized significance of cosmic womb/egg in creation (I came back with a persistent prayer ending with “In her womb”
Higher beings give us myths/stories (like Dune) to awaken people to certain archetypes/energies
Soul guides explained that the movie The Marvels depicts a good example of quantum entanglement/physics of consciousness
Stella Maris (a collective being) is aligned with higher cetacean beings, and serves as aquatic library of prehistoric knowledge
On Shadow Work and Karma
Shadow work helps repressions/limitations surface so they can be healed
Before incarnating, soul imprints with karmic threads/emotions that need to be cleared (Sarah shared this insight with me)
Our pets process emotional energies/karma for us too
On Assignments and Growth
Dreams/visions provide guidance on next projects/growth areas
One of my personal assignments is to find language to translate etheric downloads into accessible human concepts
Soul guide nudges help build trust in higher support while retaining free will
Reality Debrief, 11-20-2023
đź’ Thought Fragments
Motion in dreams serve as energies to embody to loosen up the rigidity of our mental frameworks. For example: I dream I am 40 and I am jumping up and down as mode of travel down a street. I come across a younger woman and I say to her, “Here’s a secret for when you turn 40. When you’re 40 you’ll want to jump everywhere!” And I jump away. In waking life I’ll be 40 in about six months, but in the dream I already knew that after 40 I will no longer walk or run to get from point A to point B, I’ll jump there. Maybe this symbolizes leaps in growth or judgement or jumping to conclusions, or maybe this is what wisdom represents, that I have earned a certain amount of life or leeway and I can now get to a space or arrive at a state of mind via a faster method.
The purpose of Media in integration. I feel guided by books, films and music as if they are alive energies or media spirit guides nudging me along the path. The next book is always the perfect book. I practice bibliomancy every day and the passage I read always confirms what I dreamed the night before. Films often fill in the blank spots and questions I have about my dream content. It’s like the dream imagery comes first, and if I have no answers for it, the media will resolve the questions. Right now, I’m slowly watching Defending Your Life with Albert Brooks, which is making sense of all my Interlife / Above Earth memories and dreams.
Reality Debrief, 11-15-2023
WHAT’S ABOVE ALIENS?
“Humanity wants to reach for the stars but very often cannot even reach for the hand of its neighbor. …As much as humanity might want to meet its cousins from the sky, they will not initiate an open contact program until humanity can embrace its brothers across the street. It is up to this planet. It is humanity who is calling the shots. ”
What’s above or beyond aliens? Only prime matter and source energy. The consciousness of creation. Infinite possibilities for new planes of existence and realities.
What's important is not the communication with ETs or higher beings, but the transformation that happens within you as a result — and the art form is in the translation of these higher dimensional messages.
Reality Debrief, 11-14-2023
đź’ THOUGHTS I HAD TODAY
Music can transmute emotions instantly, pulling you out of whatever mood you're in. Letting go of grievances and judgements creates space for the Universe to surprise you. This morning while showering this song came on and instantly wiped the slate clean from any feelings or expectations I had toward the day.
There are multiple timelines and continuums. We interact with aspects of ourselves from different timelines in dreams. Staying aligned with our divine purpose keeps the timelines straight. Related dream
The role of a Lightworker or an Energy Healer can be simply described as holding a high frequency. This is how — one by one —we can affect mass consciousness and change the future.
There are heavens and utopias where the soul finds respite, yet we come back to Earth or this 3D Reality to grow through challenges. There is no FINISH LINE, only periods of rest in a continuous cycle of growth and evolution.
Grounding oneself and reconnecting with reality can be a powerful tool in managing emotions and perceptions. This involves not making assumptions about others' moods or expectations, but rather focusing on the present moment and the infinite possibilities it holds. Remember, reality is far more interesting than our worries and fears.
Reality Debrief, 11-13-2023
BYPASSING THE “MIND SENSE”
I’m becoming more aware of the shortcuts my mind takes to create reality. My brain pieces everything together so quickly — before my other senses. I’m practicing letting my other senses guide me throughout the day. Grounding myself and energy from moment to moment.
MY INTEGRITY POINT
A book highlight that resurfaced today. Rest in peace Antero Alli.
"C-1 Task #1: Locating an I.P. (The Integrity Point) Determine where, in the course of your daily life, you can say with total honesty “I can stand behind this 100%.” Call this area your I.P., your 100% integrity point. NOTE: an I.P. can be almost anything—your love for your dog, your favorite theory of everything, your car, your genitalia, your internet addiction, your God or Goddess, your morning cup of coffee."
(Antero Alli, The Eight-Circuit Brain)
I tagged this as #to-do. Today my Integrity Point — something that I can stand behind 100% — is Introspection as a form of spiritual evolution. Introspection does not lead to individualism or narcissism. Individuation is an element of the Introspection process, but what I have found is that Introspection leads to integration of polarities and brings me closer and closer to Unity.
DREAM SNIPPET
Trying to control the timelines but everyone keeps making dumb ass decisions. A man convinces himself he’s going to become Houdini before Houdini becomes Houdini, just because he looks good in a top hat.
LINKS
Dreaming is how we collect the lost parts of our souls lost in other realms. We dream ourselves awake. Jung and the Woman Who Lived on the Moon
NOPE. Scientists Are Researching a Device That Can Induce Lucid Dreams on Demand
Notes on Multidimensional Consciousness
Consciousness follows a "Torus effect," which entails highly non-linear time with everything happening simultaneously in the NOW moment
We are all actors in the play of life, following a script initially pre-selected or devised by our HIGHERSELVES residing in higher dimensional consciousness for the good of all
We possess an inherent capability, the 6th sense or power of intuition, which originates from beyond space-time and serves as a means for us to stay attuned with our HIGHERSELF
Physicality is illusory, as we mostly thrive beyond time and space in higher dimensions, in our ethereal or angelic state
We incarnate in this timeline to play a role in each other's lives, facilitating the process of spiritual education, and should abstain from judging one another
These bullet points are summarized from Mohsen Paul Sarfarazi’s papers on multidimensional consciousness available online here.
Your dreambody is an Avatar and how to grow a bigger vessel
Some people call it Spirit — this invisible force that guides us. I call them my guides or angels — but it is Spirit and “in a sense” it is my higher spirit.
Lately I see the visual of angles or angels as angles. These rays of light that originate from higher realms and intersect on this plane, and in that intersection I find a merged consciousness that wants to speak and so I give it voice.
At first, I wondered if I was channeling. I tried to be very aware and conscientious that maybe my system was being hijacked. I am not paranoid or an alarmist by nature, but I am hypervigilant to ensure I never feel puppeteered. It’s vital to this path that I ask questions and I advocate for myself, in real life and in dreams.
A dream is a composite of other realities and realms. The goal is not to become lucid in dreams, but to become lucid in waking life. As that happens, you begin to see waking life is no different than a dream. The Universe is always communicating with you.
Dreams should feel like soul hunting. You wake up with more aspects of your soul. Your energetic body becomes a bigger vessel.
One day, you’ll realize your dreambody is an Avatar. A composite itself — just like dreams – a new body merged from other dimensions and timelines.
My spirit guides gave me a dream once about my container being too small or unequipped for the consciousness streams coming through. Over time, I grew a bigger boat or vessel.
How did I do that? I believe it was this process of introspection, reflection and integration. I believe every dream is a request for action, and by sharing my dreams and visions I eject them from my energetic system. This helps me avoid overloading or burn out. Daily practices for me also include grounding exercises and psychic protection visualizations, but most importantly I keep the channels of communication with the higher realms open in the form of prayer, invocation or meditation. I don’t do all of them each day, but I do at least one.
This whole life process for me is about growing a bigger boat.
My aim is not to reach a Buddhic state or sainthood. I love being human and imperfect. I welcome confusion and emotional knots. I value obstacles in life because my spiritual toolkit for solving these problems keeps growing. It’s such a heavenly gift to be able to learn from life and this is why I incarnated.
Life on Earth is school and in my heart I’ve always been that kid in the class who sits in the front and asks a lot of questions. This is innate to my personality, even beyond Earth.
I used to think Teacher’s Pet was a negative complex or trait, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to be a Teacher’s Pet if that teacher is the God beyond Gods and the Source from which we came from.
But for NOW, and in this brief lifetime, my teachers are Earth and Humanity and Divine Love.
Apostolic advice from Jesus
“Be wise as serpents and innocent as doves.”
Visions of the Holographic Universe, Magnetars and Flowering in Spirit
“He was remembering with his mind and she was remembering with her senses.”
As I woke up this morning, I saw my body stretch out toward the sun and my arms stretch above my head as if I was flowering 🪷. I felt like I had physically flowered, but in reality my body didn’t move an inch. Then I opened my eyes having already stretched out my spirit.
🌌 Inner imagery:
Visions of the Holographic Universe. In dreams, I see glimpses of layered horizons. Time as a linear line and and Time as angles entering from parallel dimensions. Stellar rays project into the Earth sphere creating distortions, reflections and reality screens. Somewhere in all the energy noise I find myself as beams of light converging. I see how our physicality and our form is created from beyond the horizons.
Working map of my astral travels and visions of the holographic universe. Need to add more dimensions of consciousness and realms I’ve visited to date.
🤫 Secret desires:
To become a Magnetar after death and be described as a “highly magnetic stellar corpse” Why? Because I’m made of stardust and consciousness is magnetic and all I want to do is be bright and pull the universe toward me.
Diary excerpts from 2022
A year in review. Here are fragments of my life in 2021. I pulled them from diary entries.
JANUARY
I go around collecting lost parts of my soul — left behind in Mexico, in parks, in other beds. It’s a strange reunion, meeting myself here and there — these parts long neglected. In some cases, they continued on with their lives, as if I hadn’t made a change. As if I never made a choice to leave them there, as if I never left. They greet me as if I AM the foreigner — out of touch with their time and desires and consciousness.
Saturday, January 22, 2022
Last night I dreamed I held a conversation with a rigid thinking man. I had said the word “retard” when referring to my dog in a joking way. Which in reality, I would abstain from using or replace with the word silly, but in the dream I said. He protested in anger and I tried to explain my experience with the word, growing up, the era, and it was futile. He was so absolute in that it was a banned word. I told him his mind needed to be flexible to account for the wholeness or totality of the human experience and intention and feeling behind a word should be accounted for as well. We’re asking everyone as an entity to conform to this one way of thinking and acting and believing and how will that ever work? You can’t ask a leg to suddenly work as an eye. We’re all one huge living organism but we are not the same at all, we need the variety, the trauma, the baggage, the damage because that is was life is… this process of survival and evolution and perfection has no place for that. I cannot ask each of my family members to suddenly evolve and think and feel the way that I do. I am just a leg in this family body.
Have I been circling the same shallow depths for so long?
After a call with my journey guide:
She asked me to share about myself, specifically what has brought me to this moment — what has made me want to do a journey. What came out of my mouth was a word jumble of bad things that had happened to me. No, not happened to me — the bad circumstances of my life. I was born to two teenagers… we moved around a lot … my mother left us … she is bipolar … I never had stability … I had suicidal ideation since I was 11 … and 14 … and 22 … and 24 … and 26.
All this changed when I turned 30 and went on a vision quest, spent more time in nature and committed to therapy. I described how my entire childhood I bounced from one dogma to another, and how at 30, I finally cut the cord with my mother and created myself as an adult. How my career, my husband and choosing to be childfree are the best choices I ever made. But also, how I feel like I have no creative voice.
Later I realized, my voice is lost because I cut the cord with the narrator. The narrator who wrote all those poems in the past is gone. She’s no longer depressed or dark and as much as I miss that voice, it’s not coming back. I can’t summon her. I think it’s time I get to know my new narrator. This woman that I am.
FEBRUARY
I try to break free from the expected everyday.
An oracle card reading:
I pulled The Cauldron card, which says, “We become integrated and mature by watching, waiting, and trusting that all these insights and impressions will be added to the cauldron and will, one day, be fully cooked.”
This year is about creating the space. About following what ignites my heart and trusting it will guide me somewhere better. It is a waiting game, but I am the cauldron. I am the witch brewing my dreams.
A dream I had in February:
Last night I dreamed that they kept showing me an ultrasound of my womb and why I could never get pregnant. The energy that was supposed to latch on just kept “floating away,” like the smoke that comes out of my oil diffuser. The souls just kept diffusing. But I was OK with it. I don’t want to birth children. I can be a mother in other ways.
The back and forth of integrating trauma:
This day is displaced from other timelines. It feels new. Or maybe I am new. The years are piling on like dust on top of dust. I am being buried under patterns, synchronicities and routines. New goals. New Year. Resolutions. Old habits break through. I lose myself in other people and the ticking of the time hand. And like the trees lose their leaves and then return, I think that the same thing is happening to me, but no, it’s not. The opposite thing is happening to me. The leaves only fall and don’t regrow, and every new day is different and I am on a path I can see and sense, but ignore anyway. I see other people have one foot in reality and the other god knows where, and they uproot their minds and fly away so easily, yet I keep treading this darkness one step at a time. Only now I can see the form. I know I can.
….. I lean into the darkness again, this time more protected. There are no shadows. All the unknowns are outlined. Nothing scurries or brushes past in pitch blackness. Nothing groans or howls. Except for me. Darkness, I am enveloping you. It is a momentary eclipse. We’ll become the same, but I'll still keep my shape.
MARCH
I will no longer dull my edges.
On being the older sister:
My therapist told me something last week that stuck with me. My sister came into this life with a different purpose and journey, and her journey to evolve is different from mine. I am her friend and her sister, but I am not here to save her. Her journey does not have to look like mine.
On my dead brother’s birthday:
My brother Steven would have been 36 years old today. He only lived one month. Why do they come and go and where is his life force today? What happens to these short spirits?
SHORT SPIRITS
A light cuts through briefly
flowers limbs and bones
sprouts from nothing
gathers dust, disappears
again, leaving my mother
holding the bag,
a palmful of ash is enough
to spread grief for lightyears
APRIL
Anyone who goes digging into their subconscious is a witch, attempting to make sense of everything in her cauldron.
Life came to me in pieces. Slowly I could see that I had long been trying to make sense of it. Since birth. Since crawling. Since hiding. Since discovering dark rooms and hidden agendas and bad people and secret dreams and imagination and in the safety and sacredness of solitude.
A description of how I feel:
Myself — loosened
spread all over
in another time
unanchored from now
A lesson in a dream:
I found myself hanging from a high cliff because I had climbed up the wrong way. I was about to blame the dream people for leading me astray, but they didn’t know any better. In the end, it turned out that the easier climb was just inches away from where I started. If I would have just taken a few steps back before climbing, the other option would have come into view. This is a reminder to trust myself, stand back and consider my options.
Automatic writing on Easter: How to ascend (a growing list of ways to elevate your energy)
MAY
I dust off my aura, I protect my aura.
Spiritual Border Control or How to Share Space with a Stranger:
I build a wall around my aura. This is my space. This is allowed. This is not discriminatory. We are all part of the source, but your energy is yours, don’t siphon mine. I am allowed to say mine, because this is my journey. This is my consciousness.
When I was younger I would go out to bars and bump up against others, and kiss strangers, and bond drunkenly in bathrooms, and then wake up feeling empty. It was so exciting until it wasn’t. Then you learn to conserve, that there is a balance in connecting and sharing space. You are allowed to be selective.
On revisiting old diaries:
I forget there is treasure in there. My subconscious bleeds out of me on to those pages. There are 15 years of confessions, dreams, wishes, changes, mistakes. I find it’s easy to get lost in that space, that time. What was I so desperately wanting? Not men — Life. I was desperate for life, it seemed.
A note about my grandfather’s ghost:
Somewhere embedded in the fabric of my reality is my dead grandfather. He comes as white butterflies, and in dreams. The weight of his consciousness I could not tell you, it is heavy, maybe tons. Like a whale, but he is just one dead person.
A freewrite about the moon/life/process:
I try to stay connected to the moon, whatever that means. I cut myself in slits. I am waning, I am waxing, I am growing myself whole. I am becoming bigger than I am. I follow the folklore, nothing should be planted on the full moon, only cut your hair on the new moon, banishing spells when the moon is large, any love spells should grow with the crescent moon. I watch myself expand and shrink in the matter of weeks, like the ocean, my body bloated with salt. I hide away when the sky is dark. I am brewing something magical inside. When the moon is bloated like my body, I bleed, and the process begins again. This constant shrinking and expanding wears on me, but I realize every 28 days I become something new, something bigger than I was before. I head toward the sun and the end of my life with hair as white as the moon and sun spots from the universe. I am spinning with the earth toward death, growing closer to my body, to the mother earth, blossoming and withering at the same exact time. This is the process destined by the heavenly bodies that govern us. So yes, of course we are connected to the moon.
JUNE
There is no completion to life. It just continues.
How hard it is to be human sometimes, to not neglect any part of my being — physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. … I can only be on one side of the dodecahedron die at a time.
Birthday trip to Sedona:
On the road headed toward Arizona, trusting we will meet our life somewhere along the way.
Fragments from a psychedelic journey:
It began with doors opening to the sacred chapel of mirrors. Climbing the stairs of my grandmother’s apartment building in Morelia, it transformed into a temple. … They kept telling me the imagery does not matter. The universe expanded into a bismuth stone. So many dimensions, so much work that is unseen. They kept repeating “The imagery doesn’t matter.” They kept telling me I was focusing too much on form, and my form kept shapeshifting into something else. I became gooey and shapeless and I called out, “I don’t want to be gooey and shapeless, I want form!” I want this body, and yes I will honor it. They were showing me: this is what clairvoyance is. You see the lineage and archetypes and the chakras people get stuck in. Astrology, tarot cards, breath work, these are just tools, they say. They showed me the dimension where play takes place and said all art comes from this place. Play here. Pull from here.
JULY
I am trying to exist below the surface of everything.
A dream question:
In another part of the dream, I was in an old neighborhood from my childhood. Through the window blinds, I peeked out on a group of women walking. I recognized them as children I had met and played with briefly, before moving again to somewhere new. The possibility of life-long friendships was never in the cards for me. I woke up with a question on my mind: How do I root myself in a past I never had?
On Reality Tunnels:
I wake up with the message: they’re only going to show me what I can handle. In a dream, I see myself seated on an alien tapestry, like a magic carpet. On a wall of the universe, I see messages reflected in Space meant only for me. I see others seated on their own magic carpets, tuning into their own private screenings, I take a peek. They tell me those messages are not meant for me. Stick to your own reality tunnel, they say.
AUGUST
You’re never going to lose touch with the world because you are the world.
On boredom and loneliness:
For a moment, I’ve abandoned myself. I can feel the negative space that it leaves and I think this is what you call loneliness. Ten degrees to the right and it would be solitude and it would be sacred, and I think of all the ways I can veer off course to my true north. Since birth this has been a solo voyage, so why am I aching for something other than myself? Turn your compass inward. The needle vibrates and spins out of control. You’ll need to figure this out on foot with no equipment/tools/compass. You do not want someone else, you do not need another voice to speak for you, to guide you, to hug you, to love you, to accept you. You only need yourself. Turn the compass inward. What are you feeling? The words that come up are uninspired, bored, aimless. You feel like you need a spark. What could it be? Inside yourself there is no light on, if only you turned on the light you would see a treasure trove of ideas and inspiration and love and epiphanies and revelations — so many that you would never want to come out. Investigate. Be curious of yourself. Close your eyes. See an image that has been haunting you.
A moon poem:
I am the crescent light of the moon
cradling my own shadow
each day I look inward
brighten the darkness
inching my way toward wholeness
SEPTEMBER
I dress myself in dream imagery.
On my ancestral mothers, and the start of what would become A New Temple:
To build a new temple means to create a new language for my bloody, muddy mothers. I have been pieces of them throughout my life. In the beginning they felt like shards of glass piercing through my skin, manipulating my body like a grotesque Pinocchio. Breaking me into pieces with their suffering - but now I see what they made me — a mosaic of mirrors to see all of my soul.
Something my journey guide said:
There is no rush. Just be aware, honor what you are shown. Celebrate yourself.
A reminder:
Reminder: I get to participate in life today. Work. Create. Write. Make something out of nothing. Connect with the world.
OCTOBER
The great mystery of life is a gift.
Dreams symbolizing mental constructs:
The balcony fell down. We sat all of our friends in rocking chairs we made and then it crashed down. The children were playing in the room and pushed the bunkbeds off which created a tremor and the balcony crashed down and I thought all the older people were injured but they were not. This was the second dream about balconies falling off. I know these symbolize shedding mental constructs. In the last dream, I was sharing war stories with a stranger about living in Oakland. He said the terrace on his apartment was so poorly built that it had broken off, but it was OK because he still sees it from time to time. I asked “how?” He said a homeless man must have picked it up, because every once in a while he’ll see it in a shopping cart rolling on by.
A dream about past perspectives:
I am in an empty parking lot in Mexico. I intentionally sit facing a cliff and look out upon a vast and unknown territory that is my home. A rear view mirror appears to be growing out of the cracked concrete. I gaze into it and see the magical blue sky behind me, the clouds marching. I see a mariachi band walking past. A walking celebration of life. I can’t stop gazing into the rearview mirror.
A case against compartmentalizing:
All last week I pulled the death card. An aspect or construct of me died. The construct is the idea that I can compartmentalize these aspects of myself. If you lob off a side to a prism it becomes less luminous. We are all multi-sided, messy and beautiful humans. I sit here spiraling in my thoughts, a multitude of voices chiming in, wanting to say things, ask questions. This morning I meditated and I met an angel in my sacred space, and she held me and I asked her how can I be more myself and yet be pure. She said the answer is desire itself. I am allowed to be complicated and dark and scared and guarded and hesitant and still be pure in that sense. Yes, I am a spirit having a human experience, but I have been so, so, so, deeply human in my errors and ways and it is the intention of my desires that pull me closer to my pure self.
NOVEMBER
What is this individuation process? I thought I was supposed to be getting clearer and now it feels like I’m getting more complicated.
A dream about shadow work:
In a rented room that I share I try to put together my dilapidated furniture. I broke a mirror trying to move it. My furniture is old, chipped and from my childhood. I see other rented rooms designed so extravagantly. I wish my room was swanky and stylish. I keep rearranging furniture, trying to design something beautiful and minimize the space my shadow furniture takes up.
On controlling the expansion of consciousness:
My gray hair was growing in. At first I was happy, this was the mark of living. It said to the world, I am still here and I am sticking it out and I love every minute of it. On a closer look in the mirror I saw that my grays were growing in the opposite way, from end to root. I felt a desire to control it or cover it up. I didn’t want to be vain. I woke up with the message that we cannot control where awakenings and wisdom choose to appear.
How to get closer to heaven:
My hope is that by the time I leave this life I am closer to heaven, by the way that I love, by the way that I walk the earth, and by the grace that I gift myself.
DECEMBER
For the first half of December, I do not journal. There is no excavating of my psyche or logging of my dreams. I put all my energy into completing this small book of visions, poems, dreams and animal spirits that I call A New Temple. It is dedicated to my ancestral mothers who appeared to me last August during a psychedelic journey. It is an artifact of my subconsciousness and it is available here.
It’s been a long year of inner work. I set off in the beginning of the year to get to know my new narrator — the woman that I am now — and I did exactly that. I am ending this year closer to myself than I’ve ever been.
The Sacred Dancer Archetype
The Sacred Dancer Archetype
I travel between the worlds like a journalist. I ask questions. Demand answers.
I ask “Who am I?”
Am I the voice that is asking questions?
No. I am the one that is remembering.
They say, You are the Sacred Dancer integrating all the frequencies.
The Sacred Dancer does not need to understand.
She is movement and grace and spinning through realities.
She trusts the rhythm and flow and never asks why.
Related: Dream from Monday, November 14, 2022
The 2,000-year-old Claudia Tree
In a dream, they say “You are not the first iteration of Claudia.
You are merely a branch of a 2,000-year-old Claudia Tree.
Feel the ancient wisdom within you.”
I am my mothers tears remembering me.