Planetary objects as the heart
Are you a comet? Or are you a planet?
I woke up in the middle of the night asking this question. What I really meant to ask is are you passing me by or can I live on you? I don’t have a satisfactory answer for this.
I have been a comet to some people and a planet to others. In all cases, it’s the heart’s gravitational pull that influences the orbit.
Something beautiful I read this week:
How to Connect by Thich Nhat Hanh
Every morning, I go out into my backyard and I worship the Sun. I stand facing the East. I let the Sun warm my body. I whisper my prayers and gratitudes for life, for love, for inspiration, intuition and intelligence — all of which helps me to participate in the creation of the universe. Now I know the Sun is my heart.
Heart exercise” day
A love doodle I made when I was dating my husband (2014). Back then there were a lot of “heart exercise” days …
When I have a hard day I reframe it as a “heart exercise” day. I wish I could say I never resist what is out of my control, but of course I do. Nothing goes my way and I resist harder, past the point I think is possible. Eventually, I am forced to give in. I always feel defeated by the day, but the resistance still strengthens my heart in the end.
I am grateful for all my hard — heart exercise — days.
Everything is Sine Waves
My mind was blown 🤯 by this video podcast on Psilocybin, Depression, Synchronicity, Connectedness. The talk about empathic environments and the outside world mirroring your mind is true to my direct experience with psilocybin. But my most favorite takeaway is that “fundamental to reality is the sine wave.”
I heard this and I felt a very deep yes.
My period tracker Stardust syncs my cycle to the moon, connects me to the universe and displays my hormonal journey in sine waves. Every month, I track as my estrogen, progesterone and testosterone oscillate and with that I oscillate in energy — physical, mental and emotional. I am a sine wave and when I see myself in that way, I allow myself the space to act, to retreat, and to flow.
Everything is sine waves, even love — at times wavering, but never ceasing. Allowing love to ebb and flow is something I am still learning.
Find the higher, essential aspect of yourself
One of the most magical books I own is The Encyclopedia of Mental Imagery: Visualization Exercises for Personal Development, Healing, and Self-Knowledge. It is a collection of self-guided visualizations to make your imagination malleable, practice movement and instantaneous transformation.
How to sit for visualization exercises, page 12
The prompt I did this week was simple. Close your eyes, breathe out 3 times, and:
See yourself as a seed becoming a tree and then reverse back into a seed.
I became a row of Italian Cypress trees. The process of growing taller and taller felt like love, and the promise of a higher vantage point fueled my self-assurance. This is what fulfillment feels like. I knew what I was destined to become.
Then I had to shrink back into a seed, and when I was a seed, I asked, “Am I not still the same tree?” The potential is latent but it exists. I remember what it is like to see the world from up high.
And it’s the same thing with my body. The cellular memory of being beyond this life is there, but concealed. As long as I live close to my heart and purpose, the potential is activated. The seed has no choice but to continue growing. There has been movement since the beginning.
The ladder of divine ascent or how to love better
If life and growth is a ladder, we are meant to go up and down. The whole ladder is made of love. You fall only from shame, guilt and repression. Sometimes I find myself on that first rung — possessive and guarded. I know I’ve been up higher than this. I can love better than this. It’s easier to get back up there once you’ve descended so many times. Each step is a perspective you’ve inhabited before. The ascent is no longer arduous but swift. Just climb back up. Someday we’ll all reach the top of this goddamn ladder. There has been movement since the beginning.
Choosing your form and Whale wisdom
From my dream book, A New Temple
In the last two psychedelic journeys (October 29, 2021 and January 8, 2022), the cosmic whales popped in. I resurfaced from the October journey with the ability to breathe deeper than I had before. They said this was important. The breath is a tool for rebirth.
Last month, I found myself with them again. The whales said, Look at your form. You choose the form you hold here on Earth.
Psychedelic journeys — like dreams and waking visions — are a gift. How you honor them is by action. I googled “whale breathing” and “whale messages.” I discovered a whole subculture of (mostly) women who swim with whales. Some of them have direct channels of communication with whales and can receive transmissions of wisdom.
I followed the path presented to me and I signed up for WhaleBreathing zoom sessions and began reading the book: Whale Wisdom Dolphin Joy: Ascension Teachings from the Cetaceans by June Sananjaleen Hughes.
The WhaleBreathing classes left me in an altered state. Euphoric. Like mini-journeys. I breathe deeper now. My breath is an anchor in the sea of my subconscious. It is a gift and a tool.
Regarding “the form we hold here on Earth” — I found clarity in the book:
…the Whales you see, are ever at this point of integration between the dimensions. Their physical body resides in the world of form, but their consciousness remains aware of their spiritual existence, their spirituality … They hold the balance between the dimensions, a statement you find hard to follow ~ but without the Whales the seas would be in chaos. And the seas represent the subconscious, that hidden and little understood part of your mind that dwells within your rhythm of awareness. … The Whales are at peace. Oblivious to outside interference, they live their dream in the ocean depths. They experience the turmoil, the turbulence, the inharmonious frequencies of the outer world, oh yes. But they allow it not to penetrate their inner being, their inner calm, the heart of their awareness. Their centeredness, or point of focus. Were they to allow the discord of an outer or alien world to penetrate their own, they would disintegrate, their form dispelled, annihilated by thought patterns of aggressiveness. The waves of calamitous sound would shatter their form. For their form is held in shape by a frequency that borders on Divine. Angelic perhaps would be more to your understanding. At any rate, there is a very fine frequency that holds their shape in form. And they have learned to hold fast to their ideal or focus that All is One, that they are not separate from the whole, from the Godhead, from the Source. And we encourage you and your cohorts to emulate the Whales, to practice steadfastness in holding true to a thought or pattern that is Divine in origin. Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and all else shall follow. And it is for you to determine what is meant by kingdom of heaven. A State of Grace maybe. An elevated concept of consciousness, in which you may hold or carry your tune of intent with dedication and commitment to purpose. And here we are assuming that your purpose is the divine blueprint that you drew for yourselves, before you entered embodiment. Be like the Whales and allow nothing external to detract from this purpose. Insulate yourself. Pad your aura with an extra wad of good humor, of joie de vivre, of tolerance and respect. Glue it all together with the love of understanding, and wear this armor amour on all occasions….
I see whales now as satellites — spaceships in the sea. Divine consciousness. Something to emulate.
The Grounding Stakes or a Resolution for Trauma
You can feel free and blow in the wind and be grounded.
The psychic language of images is intimate. There is no universal visual dictionary to help you decipher your visions or dreams. Why would you want one anyway?
You are a Psyche Archeologist and this is a solo expedition. Your mission is to discover new aspects of your self, interpret your personal images, and then merge this new meaning into your soul. This is a long journey we are on.
On the inside of my left wrist is the word heal tattooed in white ink. It is fourteen years old and fading and it is a monument to my suffering.
After years of therapy and talking about the trauma and then not talking about the trauma, I wondered what the end game would be. What does a healed person look like?
What do I feel like? Someone who has sovereignty over her mind, body and spirit. Someone who can pause and reflect in the face of strong emotions. Someone who is grounded and open-minded, and most of all, open-hearted.
Still, the question persisted. What does a healed person look like? The answer came in the form of an image — an image infused with an overwhelming sense of gratitude and love and freedom.
I saw myself as an expansive tent — if not tied down — I would blow away. I saw the traumatic event in my life as a stake grounding me to the Earth. I felt grateful for my grounding stake.
I recognize and accept the event as a part of my history. It is not the suffering I appreciate, but the journey to heal and how it has widened my capacity to love.
Not all of my stakes are made of trauma. One of them is my loving husband. The others I am still getting to know, but each day I am grateful for them.
How beautiful that I can be a sprawling tent with the wind blowing in my face, and how it feels like I am flying, all because of my grounding stakes.
Guide Posts as God Posts
Confession: I have been carrying the belief that one day I would get to the peak of the mountain I’ve been climbing and awarded with all the answers to the unknown. I had a realization yesterday that there is no mountain peak with answers, only guide posts along this never-ending path. So, I speech-to-texted myself this epiphany and it auto-corrected “guide posts” to “God posts.” Maybe that is one answer.
Becoming: a process for transformation or how to create pivotal change
There has been a persistent question echoing inside me. I can’t put it into one sentence, but it involves creating pivotal change and becoming.
Becoming is the process of transformation and not an ending. I hope there is never an ending.
The answer came in the form of a visual: An anchor dropping into my heart.
Something needs to anchor itself in you visually and emotionally to create pivotal change.
I’m learning to live with the imaginal world. It’s been speaking this entire time. It speaks in dreams and waking life. It speaks in images that flicker in and out during the day. It speaks in thoughts that press to your forehead like sticky notes. It speaks.
For every desire there is a visual and emotional resonance. Anchor these in your heart. Live with it daily. Ask them out to play. You are not an automaton building habits. You are a creator imagining an ideal world and then pulling that world closer to you.
Astrological Consequences Or How To Embody Freedom
My birth chart.
I received a reading from my favorite cosmic outlaw / astrologer Antero Alli — side note: there really should exist more cosmic outlaws in my life — and his advice helped me evolve the concept of Freedom in my life. He said:
Freedom is the ability to make any decision, or take any action, as long as you are willing to “buy” the consequences.
So I try to have a constant awareness of consequences and a persistent self-question of “Can I buy the consequences?” All of my actions and decisions come from a deep yes inside of me and because of that I feel the embodiment of freedom every day.
Note: This post is an excerpt from my weekly mind dump newsletter, sent out each Friday.
Spirit orbs in Oakland
My studio in Oakland was a hot spot for hauntings. I would often sense when spirits would drop in. This is a photo (2010) of one my ghostly visitors.
A case for growing angel wings
From Meditations on the Tarot by Robert Powell
The organs of action are simply crystallised will. I walk not because I have legs but rather, on the contrary, I have legs because I have the will to move about. I touch, I take and I give not because I have arms, but I have arms because I have the will to touch, to take and to give.
Action plan: Crystallize the will to fly closer to the Mystery of the Universe. You might just sprout spiritual wings.
Note: This post is an excerpt from my weekly mind dump newsletter, sent out each Friday.
Sophisticated and effective defense mechanisms
Some defense mechanisms are good tools for life. They help to transmute conflicts into something positive. Below is a chart of common defense mechanisms organized by their level of sophistication and effectiveness. Aim for Sublimation.
From Beyond the Narrow Life: A Guide for Psychedelic Integration and Existential Exploration:
The absence of defense is, in general, closer to psychosis than enlightenment. The ego is largely our friend. It’s doing its best with what it has. Expanding self-awareness isn’t about taking a sledgehammer to all our defenses. Some strategies, however, are more effective than others.
The Inner Why Technique
How to do it:
When you notice a sudden change in your emotional state (e.g., you start becoming anxious, sad, frustrated, or angry), immediately give yourself the best quick explanation you can for WHY you think that change in your emotions just occurred. The sooner you can do it after the emotional change, the better. — Spencer Greenberg
Note: This post is an excerpt from my weekly mind dump newsletter, sent out each Friday.
Think Radially
Think Radially is the phrase I use to help me bypass my analytical mind. It works because it is impossible to think radially, so instead I visualize my existence spiraling out of a nautilus shell.
Think Radially acts as a taproot into my expanded consciousness and it permeates all possibilities.
To Think Radially is to transcend time. I give myself equal footing in all possibilities that exist. Everything is within my grasp — even the paths I did not choose.
The life that you fear will never be lived continues to unfold. You can sense it in the spaces between your breath and in the silence between your sentences. Events exist in all realms: mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, ethereal. Your cells are communicating and aging, while your emotions are maturing and your thoughts are evolving. When I say Think Radially that is my attempt to grasp what is happening behind the veil.
Your ancestors are You.
You begin to know your parents and lovers and friends more intimately, because you see their missing spaces. The space between their possibilities. You see their journey — the direction in which they’ve always been reaching. You see their sacred imagery. All along it’s been staring you in the face. This supernatural reality.
You knew from the beginning how everything would end: that relationship, the career, a move. You know this in the same way a compass needle ticks toward its magnetic north — pulling you toward what you’re most attracted to. Try to sense the direction in which your compass is pointing and then sense all the other directions you not will be walking toward. This is Thinking Radially — a doorway for connecting to your intuition.
When you find yourself flooded with Egypt
When you find yourself flooded with Egypt / the gold in your bones begins to sing / close your eyes / we made portals for this / let your blood dissolve / become stars in someone else's galaxy / in death we inherit wings / in life only your heart can fly
Flooded with Egypt created by AI Art Machine
This poem was inspired by a passage in Antero Alli’s book Angel Tech:
To the Western world of the latter 20th century, Egypt circa 3,000 B.C.E. is a most exotic, magical kingdom of great knowledge and power. A remarkable surge of human identification with this era has unleashed torrents of psionic information from the Akashic Archives.
Your ethical responsibility is to return and help your bodies become more intelligent. Teach them as if they were your children, as they are, and express the denser sides of yourselves. Have patience with their anxiety and ignorance, for without each other—they will grow lonely and you, dear lost souls—will not grow at all—visit their little minds in dreamtime and show them who you are. If they are flooded with Egypt, appear as KA—the bird-human symbol for the soul from Egyptian mythology—but appear!
A definition of time and space:
Space is what you desire and Time is all the ways you move toward that desire.
The Catfish Museum and All Points of Possibility
Catfish: Points of Possibilities created by AI Art Machine
I am given a tour of an underground water museum. The tour guide takes me to the catfish exhibit. I see a catfish swimming toward me and I see it’s skeleton and how it forms and grows.
I can see sound waves and the potential of energy before it is “activated” in the water. The potentials appear as dots or points. I see the catfish navigate all the possibilities at once.
A propeller appears in the exhibit and it is churning my subconscious, like the deep waters.
At the end of the tour the guide gives me a jack-in-box toy made out of paper, but instead of a jester it is a catfish that pops out. I ask a lot of questions and the guide pawns me off to the exhibit programmer who is disinterested in telling me more. He mumbles something and turns his back toward his computer.
I take my folder of informational pamphlets and my paper catfish-in-the-box and I say I am ready to leave. This dream is an invitation to see the potentials of my life and desires.
Oh my darling demons!
Oh, my darling demons
I love you
I love you for all the drinks
and the flings
and the hearts you break —
including my own
But mostly, I love you
for the words you write
words wearing masks
and carrying machetes
and these words
are always so charming
even when they undress
to show the ugliest bodies