The Raft Company's dissident
Psychedelic vision / dream, October 29, 2021
There was a woman who worked for The Raft Company.
Each morning she would put the rafts in the water for others to take out, and every evening she would pull them back in and put them away.
She never ventured out on her own or outside of working hours.
I told her she should take herself out into the ocean. These are your waters, I said.
The Company doesn't like that, she said. They don't want us to explore beyond what we know.
I reminded her that she owned her own raft, and didn't have to rely on The Company. She was allowed to explore beyond the territory.
But she wouldn't heed my advice, no matter how hard I pushed. I grew increasingly frustrated and then I woke myself up. I told myself I would never be like that woman who works for The Raft Company.
Every day I take out my own raft and I voyage farther than the day before.
Explore your mental floorplan
Mental Floorplan, (Dream, February 25, 2022)
We all gathered in the living room, my dream selves and I. There were many of us. We began to crowd each other.
I knew there were many rooms in my house. I could see the layout of my mind.
Sometimes we gravitate toward the same room over and over again. We think that's all we know. We forget there are mansions in our minds.
Look at your mental floorplan. See all your rooms. Keep exploring.
Noticient (v.) language of the angels
Noticient, they angels said, is a sentient noticing.
It begins with noticing, then becoming conscious of the senses or intuitive sensations.
It is a state of being.
And when you let that guide you as your intelligence or a compass, then you are acting as a noticient being.
This is a doorway to connect to the angel realm.
Disembodied spirit check-in
"You're on Earth. There's no cure for that." ― Samuel Beckett
We gathered in a dream — a check-in for disembodied spirits.
A man told me I was looking bright and brilliant — better than I had before. There was a loving warmth in his words, and a familiarity in the way he spoke to me.
I alluded to a recovery. Another spirit stranger piped in and asked if I had been dying. He thought by recovery I meant a terminal illness.
I was surprised at his question, as if he should have known me better. I said, “No, I’m on the life path/plan right now — same as you — we’re all dying.”
When I woke up I knew that by recovery, I meant something in the heart chakra that needed restructuring. A healing had occurred that made my spirit shine in the dream realm.
I was grateful for my disembodied spirit check-in. We were a family of souls catching up on each other's reality progress.
I considered how I could accomplish this in my waking life. How to conduct a disembodied spirit check-in with myself.
There's a divorce that needs to happen – between reality and the spirit. A disentanglement of your identity from your life path.
“How is it going?” Your spirit friends will ask you.
Failure, disappointment, heart break — you all laugh about it together.
That's just what it's like on the life track, someone will say.
You see humor in the hurdles.
You see the finish line and are in no hurry to get there.
No one is competing.
You hang back. You catch up with your friends.
You all look bright — like new stars just birthed.
Access different types of consciousness
Imagine you are operating an old-timey telephone switchboard. See yourself unplugging the wires from the lower holes and plugging them into the upper rows. This is you shifting your awareness. This is you transforming lower frequencies of fear and doubt to the higher potentials of spirit — love, joy, play, wonder.
Now imagine shifting your awareness from the subatomic level to the Universal mind. Teach yourself to sense what the different types of consciousness feels like:
Subatomic consciousness, aware of the vast cosmic fields in which it interacts with all other subatomic consciousness.
Cellular consciousness, based on DNA blueprints, and impressed with the experiences of your life, your thoughts, and emotions.
Body consciousness, or the gestalt of cellular consciousness, plus a few ideas of its own (the body relies largely on the mental body's beliefs for its self-image, however).
Emotional consciousness, or emotions that flow through you in the moment, overlaid with past emotions that you held onto instead of allowing them to flow. Thoughts and beliefs that you use to structure reality (Be aware that any belief is only an opinion about reality.)
Spiritual consciousness, intuition, or direct cognition. This aspect taps into what's often been called Universal Mind. It's actually part of a hidden blueprint from which reality flows and contains, among other things, your species' archetypes, the heroic aspects of humanity. Through this "connective tissue" for physical reality, you can access other times, other places, and other dimensions.
Plug and unplug the wires as you shift your awareness. This is you accessing different types of consciousness.
Source: An Ascension Handbook
On reality tunnels
We are all in a cosmic movie theatre seated on our own alien tapestries. Each of us is watching a private screening of our reality. I peek over to other people’s screens but they warn me:
“There are messages meant only for others.”
They’re only going to show me what I can handle. Anything else is too much. Keep your attention on your own reality tunnel.
[Dream message, July 7, 2021. Psychic dream imagery collage created by MidJourney and me]
The Moon Tarot Card: A Meditation
In The Moon Tarot Card:
In the land of dreams — when your intellect is illumined by intuition — two dogs bark and howl — these are your natures. One of them is tamed and one of them is not. Which is the one that you feed?
In the distance the two towers symbolize Intelligence and Instinct. One is man-made, the other divine. Most people live in one tower and not the other. Very few live in both.
The Moon is eclipsed and the face in the moon is a projection of your face. The droplets raining down are what cause waves in your subconscious. Sometimes they feel like a disturbance, but they are meant to stir you awake.
In the foreground there is a pond, where a crayfish lives. The crayfish is YOU — boxed in by your own five senses. The pond is rigid and stagnant and nothing new is ever born there.
But you can crawl out, and walk the path past your dogs — your submissive self and the one who revolts. And past the towers that paralyze you with paradox. Because you know there is something beyond what you are told. And you know there are more lands than just this one land.
Because you are primordial, made of angels and stars. You are not just a crayfish. This is a shell and you have choice: Retreat into the stagnant pond or leap beyond everything you know.
Inspiration: Meditations on the Tarot: A Journey into Christian Hermeticism
Illustration & Animation by Olga Goriacheva
Grow another face
You’re aching to give voice to this other side of you. It’s beating like a new heart just below your skin. We have no language for this and we don’t talk about it and no one, but you, will give you the grace to change.
You must grow another face.
This is an all-out grab for more and more consciousness. You want to swim in multiple waves of depth and you deserve that. You deserve to be fed more than just algorithms. You are the one pulling rabbits out of the cosmic hat.
You clawed your way out of the abyss to be here now. So be here now.
You must grow another face.
There is a mythical land called Shambhala where some say Jesus and Buddha might reside, and others say it’s not really a spiritual kingdom but more of a diamond, where every ascended master is a facet or a separate side.
You are also multi-faceted. You are allowed to be multiple you(s). This is what true depth is. You can be different now. Grow another face.
We are afraid to be complicated. We mute ourselves. We stay on the surface of things. Flatten our desires. We think growing new faces means mental illness, but you’re already living with multiple voices and none of them are yours. They belong to your parents and your friends and children — and they are all outdated and uninformed.
Reformat yourself. Auto-update. Delete. Do what you have to do to grow another face.
You are allowed to be all things, then some things, and not other things, and no things — all at once.
Subtle-body sermonette
What my body truly wants is the freedom to expand and contract without any outside judgement. Without my own judgement. Every month, I shrink and bloat with the moon. My body is alive and mutating and aging and no, I will never punish my body. This is my spaceship. It carries me forth. I climb mountains with it. I align it with my other bodies – subtle or otherwise. My head, heart and gut are all priests in the same temple. I breathe into my spine, set boundaries, widen the stillness within me, stand barefoot on the grass, soak up the sun, leap past man-made intelligences. One body feeds the others. We set off to other worlds.
The lonely woodworker who was not lonely
This was a vision from a psychedelic journey on June 4, 2022
A man sat alone with his chisel carving animal totems out of wood. To outsiders he appeared lonely, practicing his dead art. But beneath reality — what they could not see — was that the man was never alone. He was a man who lived in two kingdoms.
His wood was infused with the wisdom of ancient, guardian trees, and the animals he carved out of them were ancestors and spirits who guided and inspired every cut he made.
Each creation of his was a merging of living energies and because of this he was always connected and beaming with life and never, ever alone.
Note: This post is an excerpt from my weekly-ish newsletter called Many-Worlds Vision.
Love does not need an object or objective
“In the church of my heart, the choir’s in flames.” — Vladimir Mayakovsky
Love does not need an object or objective — it is a persistent fire within my heart. It does not need to spread or burn everything down. This is a controlled blaze. I fan the flames with my dreams. It is a consciousness that lights up all of my cells. It does not grab or hoard or need anything. It just continues to beam out of me, like a laser toward the cosmos.
The sad girl & the island
On a ferry floating across a body of water, I meet a young girl on her way back home. She is sad. Her eyes well up with tears.
She had lived her whole life on an island she thought was paradise. Before this voyage, she never knew what it was like to leave. Now, as her island comes into view, it begins to feel too small for her. She had caught a glimpse of a whole new world, and because of that she now had to answer to a new mind and a new heart that made her want more and more for herself.
The girl mourned her past perspective which had kept her satisfied and safe. She now understood she could never go back home. She was being pushed toward the unknown, and even though the guiding force is divine, and every new discovery would be life-expanding and destined for her, she was still sad and she cried and I cried with her.
How to Transform Consciousness
HOW THE GODDESS BROKE THROUGH ME
I had a psychedelic journey on April 1 that knocked me inward for a couple of months.
Every vision — whether it's a dream or a subtle image that bubbles to the surface — deserves to be honored with patience, attention and action. In my case, a Warrior Goddess broke through my wooden, embroidered heart.
In the journey, I was being chased for my heart. They said it was beautiful and impressive and they wanted to mount it in a museum.
I held my wooden heart in my hands and I ran and I hid. "It's not ready yet," I told them. "I'm still working on it."
Every embroidered groove and engraving was a love or a lesson or a heartbreak — and this is what made it a work of art.
The hide-and-seek game continued until I found myself cornered, but before it could be stolen, my heart cracked open and gave birth to a beautiful, Warrior Goddess with wings.
A new energy had entered my body and I knew immediately I had to make room for her, and that's what I've been doing.
HOW TO MAKE ROOM FOR A NEW ENERGY
You must quiet all the outdated, uninformed voices that live in your head and who are always eager to speak up first. You breathe into your spine. You take a step back from your body — pretend you are sleep walking. There is a new driver behind the wheel. Relinquish control.
Trust the energy — it is sourced from your heart. Your heart feels on fire — but it is not wild, it is a controlled fire — and this is the new energy that will give birth to your true voice.
Since the journey, the Goddess has been making cameos in my dreams. In dreams, she gifts me wings. She brings me cats and jewelry, and she baptizes me in fire.
She wakes me up mid-night with sticky thoughts. She tells me that I am not trusting enough. She tells me to let go. She tells me to believe. To be fearless.
But these are only words and dream images and a human needs more than words and images to transform.
HOW TO TRANSFORM CONSCIOUSNESS
On Tuesday, April 26, I woke up with a sticky thought from the Goddess. She said:
It's not just the symbols or the message — it's the flow of consciousness that breaks through you at night. It is multiple flows and it is the energy from these flows that you must feel.
During the day, when we are awake, we repress so much. At night, when our defenses are down, our true nature tries to break through us. It cracks us open with images and words and these images and words are, in actuality, flows of energy — multidimensional and encoded with so much potential for transformation.
I carry the energy from dreams with me throughout the day. I walk the world with one eye outward and one eye inward and I pay attention to synchronicities and symbols and I gravitate to whatever resonates with the energy I am carrying — and I let that be my guide posts.
This is how you transform consciousness. This is how you learn the language of your subconscious. This is how you become a co-creator with Life.
Life doesn't want to happen at you or throw itself at you. Life wants to break through you from the inside out.
All of my self-questions from 2022 so far
I copied and pasted all of my diary and dream entries into Clive Thompson’s only the questions online tool. Questions propel and expand your consciousness. Master the art of asking yourself questions.
What are the next god/guide posts? What did I learn in that lifetime and how can I bring that here? How to merge dimensions? What portal am I creating? What form are you holding now? Where is the rest of me? What is my soul reaching out toward? Am I still a stranger to myself? Why does love do this? Was that unkind? What are the consequences of love? Can my heart be boundless? Why does it hurt? Will there be love? Who is guiding me? Am I pure? What is this wilderness inside of me? What does a new beginning mean to me? What is true freedom? Who should I confess my sins to? Or can I have sovereignty over my heart, mind, body and spirit? Can I be absolved or is the freedom from needing to be absolved more than enough? Whose rules am I living by? What is worth fighting for? Is this a mistake? When is the next moon phase? He is still on the first rung of the ladder and where am I? Why do I have to get my footing again and again and again? Why can’t I start from where I was last time? Are you a comet or are you a planet? Is there anything you've been working on for many centuries? Do I have a stupid heart? What is the one thing I can control? What have we unearthed here? What kind of worship is this? What was the whale I threw out the window? How many times can I transform before I die? What is the difference between human love and divine love? How do you pray to a dead God?
Sunday Consciousness
I have been there — on those Sundays
standing on the cathedral steps
when the sun is bright and pious
and it blinds me
What kind of worship is this?
When even in my Sunday dress
and frilly socks
and Mary Janes —
I feel unworthy
What kind of worship is this?
Beams of light dancing on a little girl's skin
and still she feels shame
What kind of worship is this?
This God must die
I have been there — too many times
standing on those steps
sinking into that Sunday consciousness
Here is atonement
Here is absolution
But why must I answer to anyone or anything?
I go back there in my mind —
to those blinding Sundays
to those pious steps
to that sinking consciousness
I pray to a dead God
and I create a new one
What kind of worship is this?
The sun continues to shine — pirouettes on my skin
and even though the sun is outside of me
it warms from within
and this is how my new God
chooses to love me
Make yourself holy and loud again
I’ve been living in my heart chakra for the past month. I grew a new chamber in my heart. I didn’t know I could do that without becoming a mother — which I consciously chose to not be this lifetime.
It’s painful to have more space in my heart. It feels empty at times, unfurnished. There is a lonely echo.
I thought I needed someone — a God, a Master, a King — some sort of ruler to move in and reign over this new territory. But I was wrong. The pain I feel is the original sin — separation from the divine.
I think about Adam and Eve after God withdrew from the garden — how we forgot we were made from each other. How we continued living as if we were separate beings, at times enemies.
Misunderstanding, suffering, repressing. None of that belongs in the heart.
The full moon in Virgo is all about purification. Putting your life in order for the purpose of purifying your heart.
In my meditation this morning, I saw myself windexing a two-way mirror. On the other side was also me — but at multiple points of existence. I was a two-year-old hiding in tall grass and I looked scared. I was 8 and whispering to old oak trees, begging them to open up their portals. I was 11 and I was crying in bed and wishing I could die. I was 17 and I was burning all my old diaries so I could become someone new. And these versions of myself continued on like that — some were sad, some were in love, and some were shameful.
I kept windexing the mirror glass — wiping and cleaning this supernatural view I had of myself. I saw myself as energy with imperfections and impurities woven in since birth. I saw what some people would call sins and I made them beautiful and holy again.
A confession: When I was young, I went through a short phase of stealing perfume bottles. Two. I stole two bottles. One from a store and one from my best friend’s older sister (and I gave that one back). I couldn’t afford them myself and the scents were so intoxicating and they made me feel feminine and magical, and the bottles were made of colored glass, like potion bottles, and my senses were enraptured by the feel, the smell, and the sight of these perfumes. I had to possess them. This is godly too.
We desire with our senses, I salivate, I ache to touch, I stare, I can’t keep my eyes off of all the divine, beautiful things I want. I forget that all that beauty is inside of me already.
I hope you can heal yourself the same way. Windex your own two-way mirror. See clearly the incessant flowering of your soul since birth. You came in as a pure and holy force and have been muted along the way. Unmute yourself.
How I stay grounded and soar in the skies
Me
I’ve seen what happens when a spiritual seeker becomes ungrounded. I used to believe I could only live in one world at a time, or have one and not the other, but that’s not true. You can have both.
You can be a bird with legs that grow and stretch past your current point of existence and consciousness and you can also come back home — down to earth — whenever you want.
This image was actually intuited by Kathy Crabbe, who is an artist and soul reader, and a psychic I trust. Her energy is beaming with love and creativity and kindness. I’ve been getting readings from her for more than ten years now.
She saw me as this bird and when I heard her describing the bird, I got chills (chills and goosebumps can be a confirmation of truth). She had her own interpretation of what the bird meant, and said it was important spiritual imagery for me — and it is!
And I took that imagery and I sat with it and I drew it out and in that process, I made the final decision as to what it meant for me — and that’s how all of this psyche archeology / psychic revealings should work — it can be collaborative, but ultimately, it is your fate to create.
Guidelines for psychic Readings
Healers, psychics, curanderas, priestesses, witches — this is a realm I have been comfortable with since birth. I can spot the fakes from the pure-hearted and everything in between.
Readings and healings can be revelatory or feel grossly transactional. I’m not undupable, I’ve just learned how to read the reader.
Below are my personal rules for navigating the weird world of witches and intuitives, but obviously we’re here on this Earth as consciousness explorers and you can do whatever the hell you want.
No roadside stands with neon-lit palms.
Never do love spells. There’s more creative ways to pull love into your life.
Remember, no one can read your mind, only energy — so learn how to protect yourself and how to create energetic boundaries and how to cut cords.
Walk or run away from any psychic that approaches you or becomes demanding or aggressive once you sit down.
Don’t let any one tell you you’re cursed. You’re not cursed.
You don’t need to pay for a cleansing. You can learn to cleanse yourself and rid yourself of negativity/blockages/entities/etc.
Everything is always in flux — card readings are not set in stone, no one can see your death — you are creating your own life along with the Universe.
Even experienced, gifted seers can get things wrong. Don’t let this turn you off or become a non-believer. They are only conduits and they can be biased and sometimes filter incorrectly. Align your heart with the messages you’re given, you’ll know what’s true.
To be continued …
Healing your inner child is time travel
When I was in Sedona, Arizona last year for my 37th birthday, I met with four different healers. A shaman, dream weaver, reiki therapist and someone whose business card said multidimensional intuitive. Each one talked about the importance of healing your inner child.
During one of the sessions, I was given a visualization exercise that had profound effects on my psyche and was definitely a form of time travel.
The exercise:
I was told to go back in my mind to my first moment of shame. I was told to see myself as a child and let myself feel every painful thing Little Claudia was feeling. To induce tears. To let that moment in time break through me and cry. I did. Then I was told to swoop in — as myself from this current point of existence — knowing everything I know now, with all the love I have now, and to pick up that little version of me and heal her with my compassion and wisdom and tell her all the things she needed to hear back then.
My first moment of shame:
I was 4 years old and I was in an upstairs bedroom listening to the radio. There was a Spanish love song playing and I was singing along with it. I had a pen and a piece of paper and I was writing a love letter. I don’t know to who, but I suspect it was to God. My mother came into the room and asked me what I was doing. I told her I was writing a love letter. She laughed at me and I felt embarrassed for the first time in my life. I didn’t want to finish my letter. I didn’t want to sing along to the love song. I thought I had done something wrong — and I was ashamed of being so in love.
How I healed Little Claudia:
In Sedona I was 37 years old when I went back in time and picked up my 4-year-old self and I hugged her, and I kissed her and I told her she had done nothing wrong. I told her she came into this world in love and that’s how she was supposed to remain. I told her to write more and more love letters, and to sing along to all the Spanish love songs and to never — for one moment — feel embarrassed about it. I told her that her heart was pure and that was her super power and to let herself be guided by that for the rest of her life.
We walked out of that bedroom together, Little Claudia and I, and she’s been with me ever since.
Things that do not belong to me
For the past month, I’ve been dreaming a lot about things that don’t belong to me — things like houses, lovers, jewelry. I covet them. I steal them. I fall in love with them. But in the end I wake up with none of it.
When I was a child, I would sometimes burst into tears upon waking, because the really cool thing I found in a dream did not exist. I still remember how badly I wanted those x-ray glasses, or the treasure chest filled with gold, or that fallen star gleaming in my hand.
I don’t cry about that anymore. As an adult I learned the hard way that not every beautiful thing belongs to me. “Sometimes the grown-up thing to do is ooh & ahh & walk away.”
But there are dream gifts that you can pull into real life. They come in the form of words, or images or in the spatial dimensions of an emotion.
I pay closest attention to Full Moon dreams, New Moon dreams, dreams while traveling or menstruating, birthday dreams, and even dreams on holidays can carry gifts.
Last night’s Full Moon dream had edges.
I found myself at an open house. As I walked through, each room was more beautiful and extravagant than the last. Exalted ceilings, ornate wood, gilded mouldings, stained glass. There were murals and mosaics and unearthed marble tile that had been restored. All the colors were rich and lustrous, and my heart ached to be bathed in their light.
I knew I could never own this house. It wasn’t for sale. They were only looking for a subletter, anyway. Someone who would live in the smallest room, without a view, and remain fairly unknown. There would be no lease or binding contract. No proof that I ever belonged there.
At the end of the dream, I stood there in the largest room — a Turkish-style bath — staring at the fairy-tale like murals. So much history that I was not a part of, so much future that I would never know. And I cried. Not like a child. Not because I couldn’t have something beautiful. I cried because I loved it anyway. I cried because it existed, and I appreciated it, and I would never forget it. And it didn’t matter who would live in this house or own it, I was here now, grounded in the moment, surrounded by walls that I loved — walls that I would let keep me forever.
Even after I awoke, I was still within those walls. That is the gift I brought back with me. My heart had a new shape — as if the dream had tugged on its edges and stretched it out further into the world. A new appreciation for all the beautiful things that will never belong to me, but that I get to see and love anyway.